Turning Feedback into a Better Marriage
We are constantly receiving feedback. Not just at work during an annual review, but every single minute in our relationships.
Most of the time, we miss it. Or worse, we get defensive and throw it out.
Feedback doesn’t always come in a neatly wrapped package with a bow, or at the right time, or when you’re in the right mood. Sometimes it shows up as a slammed door. Sometimes it’s the “silent treatment”. And sometimes, it’s your partner screaming at the top of their lungs because they’ve reached their breaking point.
Most people see a screaming partner and think “They’re being crazy.” or “I’m out of here.” But if you can stay cool and lean in instead of lashing out, you’ll realize that feedback is actually incredibly helpful. It’s giving you the exact information you need to solve challenges, build intimacy,, and get more of what you want out of your life.
The Noise vs. The Message
When things get heated, our natural instinct is to focus on the noise – the volume, the tone, the harsh words. But beneath all that noise is the real meaning.
If someone is screaming, they might not be acting “right” or “healthy”, but they are telling you in the most visceral way possible how they are experiencing you in that moment. They’re saying, “I don’t feel heard” or “I feel overwhelmed”.
You don’t have to agree with their delivery. You don’t have to like it. But if you can keep your cool and listen for the information inside the hostility, you gain a superpower. You get to see the “why” behind the “what.”
Behavior is a Mirror
Everything your partner does is a learning experience for you. If your partner is distant, that’s feedback. If they’re irritable, that’s feedback. Instead of judging the behavior, stay curious. Ask yourself: What am I contributing to this dynamic? What is this feedback telling me about how I’m showing up?
Paying attention to this one thing has completely transformed my relationships. When you stop taking the feedback personally and start taking it analytically, you can adjust your behavior to create a totally different outcome. You move from being a victim of the drama to being the architect of the solution. NOW, something to also keep in mind here is that you aren’t responsible for your partner’s happiness. Only they are responsible for that. And you aren’t a doormat either. So, while you are listening and learning from your partner’s behavior, you aren’t condoning it.
Recalibrating the Outcome
Think of it like a GPS. If you take a wrong turn, the GPS doesn’t scream “You’re an idiot! Why did you do that?!” – it just says “Recalculating.” It uses the “feedback” of your wrong turn to find a new path to the destination.
Your relationship needs that same “recalculating” mindset. When you receive feedback– even the messy, loud kind– use it to adjust.
If the feedback is that they’re feeling neglected, adjust your schedule.
If the feedback is that they’re feeling disrespected, adjust your tone.
You’re not giving in. You’re optimizing. You’re behaving better and showing up in a totally different way because you want a different result.
Stop Filtering, Start Listening
The biggest barrier to growth is the filter of our own ego. We filter out the feedback that hurts our feelings and keep the stuff that makes us look good. But the “hurtful” feedback is usually where real growth is hidden.
It takes massive courage to sit in a partner’s frustration and say “I hear you. I see how this is affecting you. Let’s do this differently.” That kind of openness doesn’t just stop the fighting, it builds a bridge of intimacy that wasn’t there before.
If you’ve been ignoring the feedback, or if the feedback has become so loud you can’t hear anything else, you don’t have to navigate the noise alone. Click below to book a 30 minute discovery call with me today.
