The Mindset Shift That Will Save Your Relationship
Do you ever feel caught up in tracking what you AREN’T getting from your partner? Maybe you feel like you’re doing 70% of the chores, or maybe they haven’t been affectionate lately, or perhaps they haven’t initiated that important conversation you wanted to have.
It’s an easy trap to fall into: you focus on the deficit, the lack, and the unfairness.
Here’s the truth I’ve learned from years of experience in couples coaching: real, thriving relationships are service-based. They work when both people focus on giving, not getting. When you stop asking “What am I getting out of this?” and start asking “How can I show up for my partner today?,” that’s when everything starts to turn around.
The Death of Empathy
When you’re too focused on the “getting”, something important dies in your relationship: empathy.
And when empathy’s gone, you stop seeing your partner as a teammate– you start seeing them as the problem. They become the opponent, and suddenly, every interaction is about scorekeeping.
I saw a perfect example of this scarcity mindset recently. A guy was complaining that by honoring his wife’s request to raise and lower the toilet seat, he was unfairly performing two additional tasks, while his wife didn’t have any additional tasks because the seat was always where she wanted it. His argument was that for him to lift it and for her to put it down created a fair, 50/50 situation.
This is something I like to call “The Fairness Trap”. If this is your mentality in your relationship; if you’re focused on tracking tasks to ensure everything is “fair”, then you’re doing your relationship a real disservice.
Marriage isn’t a transactional business partnership. It’s a living and breathing covenant of service. Remember when you first got together? What were you doing to win them over then? Why does that stop? That “first day attitude” shouldn’t ever end.
When relationships are based in service, you honor and respect your partner and work on becoming the best version of yourself– and then watch your relationship grow exponentially. If your mindset is solely based around being “fair”, you’ll never feel like you’re getting enough, and you’ll always be arguing about who owes whom.
When everyone contributes with a mindset of generosity (NOT reciprocity!), it takes your relationship to a higher level.
The Service Equation
When empathy disappears, intimacy tends to go right along with it. Bring back empathy and lead with service. Intimacy WILL follow.
When you ask, “Is my relationship a relationship of service, or am I just here to get what I want?”, you instantly shift the dynamic. You move from being a victim to being an agent of change.
Real change starts with YOU. Start doing things FOR your partner, not because you expect them to do something back, but because their happiness is linked to yours. This isn’t about making your partner happy, that’s not your job, it's theirs. It’s about being truly committed to your partner and showing up in ways that compliment your relationship and keep it fresh.
This is exactly the type of foundational mindset work that we focus on in couples coaching. As your relationship coach, I help you stop the destructive cycle of blame and show you how to lead with service and responsibility. We work on shifting that internal scorecard so that you can experience the joy and intimacy that comes from being a true teammate.
Are you ready to stop focusing on what you aren’t getting, and start focusing on the important things (come on, how ridiculous is it to get upset about lowering the toilet seat?!)? If you’re ready to make that shift, let’s talk about how couples coaching can give you the tools you need to stop keeping score and start loving generously.
